i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
