just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
