Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
