All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
