you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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