I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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