We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
