you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
