omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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