Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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