i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
