I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Randomize
