I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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