Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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