i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
