Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
