if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
