omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
