I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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