he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
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