textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
