i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
they need to just BURY HIM!
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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