first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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