I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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