My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
