There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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