You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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