I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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