Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
