Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
