I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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