My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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