the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
