I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
