The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
