I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
