I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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