Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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