I wish I only lived at night.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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