why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
