Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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