My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
