im about as happy as oj after his trial
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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