just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
