I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It's blow job season.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
