Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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