And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
