I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
