I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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