doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
